Wilson: "Chinese dragons are different than Western ones. You guys have big, fat dragons that breathe fire. Chinese dragons are long and breathe rain."

{For further clarification, Chinese dragons don't have wings, but that doesn't mean they can't fly. They "swim through the air," like snakes swimming through water. And when they breathe rain, it's enough to cause a flood.}

Candy: "I am always so excited for winter to come so I can wear my short skirts and cute dresses instead of pants!"

Me: "What? Isn't it the other way around?"

Candy: "No! I have to wear pants in the summer so I don't get tan. But during the winter, the sun isn't as strong so I can wear all my cute little skirts!"

Candy: "Do you want to try a piece of my blood?"
Me: "Of your what?"

Candy: "My blood! I know, it looks like meat, but it's chicken blood. It's good for you. It helps clean the dust out of your body."

 

 

Me: "So what will you do this afternoon?"

 

Otto: "Wait for dinner!"



Tony: "I know a lot of people with strange names. Like, one kid, whose name means 'Legendary fool,' and another whose name means 'Love mountain and water,' and another whose name sounds like 'Good-smelling poop.' And I think, 'Why did their parents name them that?'"

Shepard: "I'm tired, guys."

Alison: "I'm sorry! Want us to speak in Chinese so you don't have to think so much? {Gibberish} {Apparently}

Shepard: "No. Just speak in English. It's easier to understand a foreign language rather than a bad version of my own."

 

Alison: "Oh, look. I found bark in my food."

Kevin: "Today starts the race around the island!"

Me: "Why aren't you in it?"

Kevin: "What?! Oh, no. I can't do this race. They bike up the highest mountain on the island, which takes two hours, and when they are cycling normally, they go 50 kmph. When they pass you, you can feel the wind rush by. I've felt it."

Kevin: "I have great news! Yesterday was my sister's full moon! Well, her baby's. A full moon is when the baby turns one month old, and we can finally take pictures of it."

Me: "So you haven't taken any pictures of her? Why?"

Kevin: "You just can't."

Blue: "You can call anyone, 'Qin'; it's just 'honey' or 'dear.' On Taobo, if you ask for customer service, they'll call you 'Qin.'"

Alison: "So it's like 'Hun,' and Taobao is the South!"

Me: "So today in class, I had the students create schedules for a good student and a bad student. For the bad student it was, 'Sleep. Sleep. Sleep. Eat. Sleep . . .'"

Wilson: "That's not a student. That's a pig."

Me: "How you say, 'You're so mean'?"

{Hold that face for ten minutes}

Me: "How can you not have that in your language?"

Helena: "It's complicated. I don't know."

Ray: "We need garlic for our barbeque."

Me: "But we didn't buy anything to go with the garlic."

Ray: "We don't need anything else. We're just going to eat the garlic by itself. Just pop it into your mouth."

Ray: "I know more English than you."

Alison: "Oh, really? What's 'onomatopoeia'?"

Ray: "It's mlasdfjlwkejglskdgsl {mumbling}."

Alison: "Yeah, maybe that's onomatopoeia for 'I don't know.'"

Brian: "What is reality? Reality is not living your dreams. Reality is working really hard in high school to get into college so you can pursue your dreams. Reality is not doing well on the college entrance exam and ending up at a bad college. Reality is having so much ambition and deciding to work hard anyway. Reality is meeting your roommates freshman year who are so fun and want you to play computer games instead of studying! But reality is fun. I wouldn't trade those roommates. I wouldn't trade all the hours of computer games, even if it makes studying a little more difficult."

Brian: {As he chomps down on chicken kidney} "Did you know in China we call iPhones, "shen" {kidney}? It's because some high school kid sold one of his kidneys for the iPhone 4. So now if someone says, 'Let me see your kidney,' all Chinese know that means, 'Let me see your iPhone.'"

Joe: "In Guanxi, they like to eat fried rat on a stick."

Me: "Wow. Good thing China closed itself off from the world during the whole Bubonic plague thing. Wait. How have they not had that?"

Alison: "Maybe it's still coming . . . Do we have a shot for that?"

Me: "Helena! We're going to have an ice cream party!"

Helena: "Ok! I'll bring tofu and potatoes!"

Me: "Um..."

Alison: "You want a quote? The sky is a delicious blue pumpernickel bursting with fluffy white marshmallows."

{So Brian is really Westernized, and when I asked him if I could take a picture for my Humans of New York spin-off blog, he knew the drill. After a moment of brainstorming about what to say . . .}
Brian: "Ah, just say 'Me and my boss. We are the best partners!'"

Brian: "Can you go a Chinese eye doctor? Like, does it work?"

 

Me: "Of course! I mean, the quiz is a little different, but it's ok."

 

Brian: "But your eyes are a different color than ours!"

 

Brian: "All the Chinese girls are obsessed with my skin. Strangers come up to me all the time and ask me how I keep my skin so white. I don't know! I'm not a girl! I don't care about skin care! But, when I was young, my dad made me drink a spoonful of black vinegar every day to keep my skin white. Maybe that's why I'm white. But I don't think so."

Ray: "Robert. I think it's a very strange name. What is his profession? It sounds like he's a robber."

Ray: "We have an animal that goes under your skin and sucks your blood. You have to just hit the skin to get it out or it will die inside you. But, I've heard it's a legend."

Ray: "Your hair is curvy, like grass on the ground."

Ray: "Chinese love peace. That's why we have chopsticks. Forks and knives are violent."

Me: "But, if I stab you in the ear with a chopstick, you will die."

Alison: "Why not in the eye?"

Ray: "Because my eyes are too small for you to get that in my eye."

{Asian jokes!}

Me: "How do you tell a girl she's beautiful, other than saying "piao liang"?

{Silence}

{Confusion}

{Heated discussion with friend}

Brian: "We don't."

Me: "Um. So, you would just say "piao liang"? You don't have any other words?"

Brian: "No, I mean we just don't. We wouldn't actually tell our girlfriends to the face that she was beautiful. Chinese girls are shy. If we did, she would just get mad, thinking we were lying."

Helena: "I know it's raining. I can smell the lightning."

Candy: "Wow! Your hair is so beautiful! No, no, really. In China, putting your hair in a ponytail is more beautiful and professional than wearing your hair down. Down, you look like a student, like me."

Shepard: "Terrorism has gone up so much since I was a child. In the most recent attack, 100 people died. The government only reported that 30 had died.

My town used to be focused on development, expansion. Now, we only care about peace."

Mars: "During the summer, my friends and I go deep-sea fishing. And sometimes, we climb up the mountain to catch turtles."

Me: "Why are there turtles on a mountain? How did they get up there?"

Mars: "I don't know. But they're huge. Seven or eight inches around."

Wilson: {Urgently interrupting my conversation}: "So, because you live in Kentucky, does KFC give everyone free fried chicken?"

"Cathy, would you ever eat mint and chocolate together?" {Because every Chinese person I've talked to says it's poisonous. Not kidding.}

"What? No, of course not!"

"Why?"

"Why? {Sputter.} Why, no one ever told me that I could, so why would I?"

Helena: "In Guangdong, they really have earthworms this big!"

{Random fruit lady}: Face made when we ordered a "Pineapple Mango Juice."

{Stunned}

{Confusion}

{Revulsion}

{Uncontrollable laughter at the utter absurdity of our request}

"Meiyou meiyou {nothing}. . . . Bu hao! {not good}"

Candy: "My hometown knows how to make pork. We love pigs. Have you ever eaten pig's ear? Pig's nose? Pig's tail? Oh, they're so good!"

Kevin: "You know when it rains while the sun is still shining? We call that "when the sun is peeing."

Wilson: "No, I'm  not rich. I don't have a good job, or a house, or a car. All I have is... my girlfriend."

"What! So you're saying you'd rather have all that than your girlfriend?"

{Pause.} "No. Helena is my..." {Pause.} "She is my all things. I don't need anything else."

{Cue the "Awws."}

Bruce: "For a part of my driver's test, you have to park a car on a hill. The first time, I failed. I rolled backward. The second time, I failed. I rolled backward. I was so mad, and so embarrassed, so I told myself I would pass this third time. I must! So, I tried a third time, and I was so excited because I hadn't rolled backward yet. Then my car door just popped open! I was so freaked out I forgot what I was doing... and rolled backward. Ugh."

"Kevin! Go speak Japanese with the Japanese teacher since none of her students came tonight."

Kevin: "What? All the Japanese I know is 'Sawadika.'"

"Uh, you know that's Thai right...?"

Kevin: "See? Exactly. My Japanese is terrible."

Ray: "No, I haven't caught any fish. Today, I am just here to feed the fish, I think."

Helena: "My cousin loves eating chicken butt. When I was younger, I thought he was weird because of it and wouldn't play with him."

Brian: "China. America. There's a reason it's called, 'The other side of the world.'"

Bruce: "Why are we meeting at Alison's apartment! I miss your apartment."

"What? Why do you miss my apartment?"

"Because we are best friends, I mean that zombies, and cute bugs."

Donna: "It was my birthday a few days ago."

"What! Donna! Why didn't you tell me?"

"Oh, it's ok. I forgot it was my birthday."

"How do you forget your own birthday?"

"Well, in China, everyone has two birthdays, so sometimes it gets confusing, and I don't pay attention enough to lunar calendars, so..."

Ray: "No, I really was born in 1990. Believe me!"

"Let's see your ID."

"Oh, well that won't help much. My ID says I was born in 1989. All of my information is wrong. I have an older sister; I'm the second child. So, my parents lied about my information. By the time the government caught on, I was too old for them to do anything. But my records will always be wrong."

"So, it's like you have a fake ID."

"Oh, the ID is real. The information is fake."

Bruce: {Upon eating pasta for the first time} "Oh, we have this in China too. But we eat it for dessert."

"Wait, is that-no, that's not your phone. What are you doing?"

Wilson: "I am warming the can. My girlfriend likes her milk to be warm."

"And this is the way you chose to warm milk up?"

"Yep."